I went to the doctor because my kidney was hurting like hell again and I needed another Toradol shot (I had went yesterday and got one then as well, and while the Toradol didn’t work very well on its own, it worked wonders with the MS Contin). It was at first going to be a quick visit, but I decided to explain to the nurse practitioner the shit with my psychiatrist and the Adderall.
Since the doctor wasn’t there, she couldn’t prescribe it (legal restrictions, it’s in the highest legal class of drugs, Schedule II- interestingly, cocaine and methamphetamine are too!), so she said when the doctor came in in the afternoon, she’d talk with her then call me. After I left I had a pretty good doubt in my mind she wouldn’t prescribe any, so I called someone and asked to buy some Addies as a back-up plan.
They didn’t have Adderall, but they had 10mg instant release dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine/Dextrostat) pills. It’s one of the ingredients in Adderall but more potent, considered superior to Adderall, and also fucking hard as hell to find since it’s rarely prescribed, so I can’t believe I got my hands on some. I stocked up on those fuckers and bought fifteen of them. A decent amount of money, but worth it, in my book. It’s a hell of a lot better than using that money to buy pain pills.
A guy there with ADHD said that it will get me high, and after about an hour to an hour and a half it will really kick in and hit me. I told him Adderall doesn’t make me high so I was very skeptical the Dex would. However, he said Adderall doesn’t make him high either, but Dex does. I took one not too long ago and already I feel calmer, my thoughts are clear, and I can think.
I know this is bad but I am honestly intrigued by what a stimulant high actually feels like and I’m kind of hoping it does make me high. If it does, I will split and cut the rest of the pills to create smaller doses to keep me from getting high. I just am so interested in what it feels like. I feel a slight euphoria and energy coming on that I don’t get with Adderall, so I’m beginning to believe it might actually do the trick.
I’m such an absolute wreck lately. I can’t focus on anything, not even a thirty minute long TV show. Classes start next week and if I don’t get the Adderall from my general doctor I’m going to have to just suffer through the mental incoherency and cloudiness, the ADHD, because I’m REALLY going to need these Dex pills when school starts to focus in class and complete my assignments.
I want to do well this year. I want to prove to my dad I can fucking fight this and complete a full semester worth of classes. Because, while I’ve been battling some pretty bad depression lately, I’ve realised, finally, that I am strong. No, it’s not something I can just “get over” but I’ve fought to the death to achieve many other things before, and this is no damn exception.
I mean, if I can get through nearly dying 6+ times, I’m pretty sure I can make it through college.